A Little Bird Told Me
by Ersatz Writer
Summary: Bernard senses something... different going on between his two masters. But with the both of them too proud to make a move, the young man decides that it's time to do something about it himself... HA/JH


**A/N: **This was originally supposed to be a Valentine's Day fic, but the plot bunny simply couldn't wait that long. I guess this is what happens when you watch 3 or 4 YM episodes in a row. XD I have such overwhelming love for these three at the moment. It almost hurts!

Anyhow, just a few disclaimers: **This is a pairing fic, however, the pairing is related to the CHARACTERS only and bear NO RELATION whatsoever to their actors, who I love and admire. Rest in peace. Also, any opinions rambled out by characters do NOT represent my ideas. Jim, here, is a little bit drunk and emotional, so please excuse him. **

**Yes Minister belongs to Jonathan Lynn and Antony Jay**

A note about timeline: I imagine Bernard here to be around 30-odd, whilst Humphrey and Jim are around 40-50-ish. The timeline has been twisted slightly so their ages differ a bit more, but it doesn't affect the story so much.

I hope you enjoy!

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><p>There was a different atmosphere in the office today.<p>

No, thought Bernard Woolley, after a moment of quiet observation, there had been a different atmosphere in the office for a couple of days now. A week, actually. No, even a month. Perhaps longer. He didn't quite know when it had happened, but the feeling had been mutual and he sensed, though he couldn't actively perceive, that, at some point, the feelings between his two masters had… mutated and it left the air with a distinct taste of awkwardness.

(Not that, he noted idly to himself, air was tasted by the tongue; rather, it was 'smelt' through the nose. And even that was not quite accurate, for air was not really 'smelt' as much as 'breathed in', and, anyway, 'awkwardness' was not a flavour to be 'breathed in', 'smelt', or 'tasted'.) But that wasn't relevant. There was an awkward tension in the room now that, whilst not quite negative, was not quite comfortable either.

At this point during their daily meeting, the important matters between the minister and his permanent secretary had been discussed. Arguments were ping-ponged back and forth and, as usual, thanks to Sir Humphrey's brilliant skill in obfuscation, no conclusion, as ever, had been reached, though the Minister himself was not aware of it. In fact, he seemed rather pleased at the direction the conversation was taking, and this, once again revealed his naivety. It was a wonder he had still not learnt anything, considering the amount of time he had already spent in the ministry.

"… So everything will be sorted then?" he concluded, with cheerful optimism, as he shook his hands from the table and beamed.

"As that is your wish, minister," agreed Humphrey, with a deferential nod, "we shall see to it that everything is… appropriate."

Which meant '_we'll do things our way; that is, do nothing at all'_, Bernard translated silently in his head, though once again Hacker missed the meaning behind it entirely and, if anything, his grin spread even wider across his face.

"My, my, Humpy," he declared, evidently in good spirits, "you're awfully cooperative recently. You've been doing everything I tell you to. Properly. And without questioning. Did you, perhaps," his eyes twinkled mischievously, "have a few good ones with the wife, eh?" He turned to Bernard, and the younger man had to smile politely in response. "Eh, if you know what I mean?"

"Minister," Humphrey looked quite pained, "I wish you would not make such improper jokes in the office." There was the faintest of heat in his cheeks, though Bernard thought his embarrassment was justified. "Besides, I… Well, Lady Appleby has, unfortunately, terminated the contract of our relative binding and has, it has to be said, with great regret, altered our respective marital statuses once more to be that of the singular person." He sighed, a little sorrowfully. "I… do not really wish to speak of it."

"Oh, dear," mumbled Jim, quite blandly, looking a little lost. "Um. Well, Humpy – er, Humphrey. I _am_ sorry. About your, um…" He waved a hand. "Your… um…"

Bernard scribbled a note. _Sir Humphrey just had a divorce. _

At last, the Minister caught on, and his mouth fell open with shock and a genuine gush of sympathy. "Oh, I am sorry, Humphrey. Really. You must be going through a hard time." He stood up, as though looking for something to do, sat down again when he saw nothing, then stood up once more. "Here," he decided, "have a drink." Then he began to head towards the cabinet by the hearth.

"Oh, no thank you, Minister." Humphrey shook his head, and sighed, deeply. "Though I do appreciate your generosity and kindness." There was a small smile, then, brief and short-lived, but Bernard fancied he caught it all the same. "No doubt, I will be back in form soon."

"Yes, no doubt," the Minister nodded, and, taking out a glass, poured himself a generous helping of whiskey. "Well, like I said, Humpy," he said, draining the entire drink before picking up the bottle once more, "I _do_ understand, honestly. I went through the same thing myself, actually. Just a few months ago, with Annie." Despite the second glass, there was still a sober solemnity in his eyes. "She… She couldn't stand the politics anymore. Said I was being naive." He took another swig, and shrugged his shoulders, either in an attempt to appear casual or to ease down the burning liquid. Bernard half-suspected it to be the latter.

Humphrey's eyebrows rose at the minister's statement, but the sincerity of his sympathy afterwards seemed just a bit more genuine than any of his previous false sentiments. "Indeed, well… I am sorry, Minister," he murmured. "I was not aware of your circumstances, at that time."

"Hmm, well. Didn't want to lower the department's morals," Hacker's lip wobbled at his words, but he gave a somewhat wavering grin and turned to Humphrey with a look which Bernard supposed was that of a man trying to be brave. Instead, he just looked slightly delirious, though Sir Humphrey was too polite to make a comment. "I… I thought if any of you," he turned, drink sloshing in his glass, to include Bernard into the conversation, "saw me being too… you know, emotional, it wouldn't reflect too well on our work, would it?" He chuckled, a little hollowly. "You know what they're like, women. They don't understand what troubles we men face."

"I've always said," Humphrey tutted in agreement, "that women are of the weaker sex. They judge so quickly, minds as shallow as the coast of Kalamaki." He shook his head. Despite his reserve on the subject of his marriage, there was evidently some relief in venting his frustrations. "I've never really trusted them, women. Odd creatures, twittering away like birds, and when they _blub_… They just don't stop."

"You're telling me!" Hacker grunted, settling heavily down upon a sofa, his words already beginning to slur.

Bernard, unable to sit quiet any longer, felt most inclined to give his own input. "Um, I'm sorry to interrupt," he said, a little nervously, as both men turned towards him, "but, er, I actually quite _enjoy_ the company of women. That is to say, they're… they're lovely, really. Or that they can be, even if, er, your experiences have told you otherwise, Minister, and, er, Sir Humphrey."

"Yes, but Bernard, you've only just got engaged!" Hacker waved a hand dismissively. "You don't know what women are truly like yet!" He made a sharp, downward striking gesture. "They don't show you their… their fangs and their claws until you've stepped up that aisle and uttered the cursed vow. Isn't that right, Humphrey?"

"Hmm, indeed." The permanent secretary nodded thoughtfully, brows furrowed. "You're still young yet, Bernard."

"And besides, Humphrey and I are still going through some hard times," Hacker added, taking another long, somewhat sullen sip. "I don't want to hear any _good_ things about women, right now! I hate them all!"

"Er, Minister," Bernard cleared his throat warningly. "I don't think you should be saying things like that."

"Oh shut up, Bernard," Hacker scoffed, and a few drops of liquor escaped his glass and splattered delicately against the carpet. Humphrey cringed, and Bernard shrank back, a little hurt, whilst their Minister continued to ramble. "I can say what I want here. This is my office, isn't it? And you two," he waved, apparently attempting to point at the two civil servants, though his aim was off and he ended up waving to the floor instead, "you two are _my_ subordinates, and you answer to me, isn't that right? I haven't got Annie anymore, so this is my home. And when I'm at home I can say whatever I bloody want about those silly bitches!"

"Er, Minister –" Bernard tried again.

"In fact," concluded Jim, with an almost triumphant determination, "I think Humphrey and I are just about off women for the rest of our lives, don't you, Humpy?"

At this blunt, unexpected statement, there was a shocked, almost horrified silence. Both secretaries stared, wide-eyed, down at their master, and, the man in question was stunned into a speechlessness that was not often associated with Sir Humphrey Appleby.

"M-Minister…!" He finally spluttered, as though unable to form a coherent sentence. "Y-You… I…" He didn't quite seem to know what to say, not that Bernard blamed him.

But Hacker was, once more, oblivious to the true meaning of his rash statement, and he staggered up from his seat, tottering a little unsteadily. "You know what I mean, Humpy," he said, jovially, moving closer to the permanent secretary, who was slowly but definitely sidling away. "Why do we want women anyway, eh? I-I mean, the world is _over_populated, goddammit. We don't need to reproduce. We should be allowed to, to…" He stumbled nearer, though he wasn't quite able to finish his sentence before he tripped over his own feet. Instinctively Humphrey leant forward to catch him, and Hacker clung on clumsily until he could find his balance again. He raised his glass. "Ch-Cheers -hic!- H-Humpy!"

"M-Minister," murmured Humphrey, hotly, one hand twitching uncomfortably around the knot of his tie. "I… I'm afraid I must go, now. Good evening." He turned, and, gathering the last of his composure, hissed to Bernard as he passed: "Make sure the minister arrives home safely and without making a fool of himself!"

"Er, yes, Sir Humphrey," Bernard nodded, both surprised and vaguely amused by this request, but before he could do anything Hacker called out once more.

"Humphrey!" His voice could be excruciatingly loud, if he wanted it to be, and Humphrey paused, a visible heat rising in his cheeks, and glanced reluctantly behind him only to find the Minister staring intensely at him with large, round blue eyes. Though the expression behind them was intoxicated and confused, there was a sincerity, and a bright hopefulness about them, that seemed clear despite the murky depths they were immersed in.

"Humphrey," he said, and though the alcohol was clearly working through his system there appeared in his face something close almost to sobriety. "Humphrey, I-I was wondering, you know…" He raised his drink, as though trying to clarify something. "I-If you were, um… Since… you know… Everything…" There was a confusion in his words and, after some consideration, in which he had evidently attempted to organise a sentence and had subsequently given up, he waved a hand and sighed. "N-Never mind. You go on now." He paused. "Have a good evening."

"Y-Yes," there was something distracted in Sir Humphrey's response, and when Bernard swivelled his head to look, the permanent secretary was staring, with great intensity and determination, at the carpeted floor, as though he were determined not to meet Hacker's gaze. "Thank you, minister." He murmured, softly. "Goodbye."

And then the door slammed shut and there was only Bernard left to gaze at the Minister's oddly lost expression.

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><p>Bernard could not forget the incident when he returned home that night.<p>

The minister's drooping, defeated eyes as Sir Humphrey hastily retreated down the corridor; the permanent secretary's own, heated face and his, almost shyly lowered head… Bernard was by no means a fool, and though others may have thought him far too idealistic as a civil servant, he was not a high flyer without reason.

And that night, as he returned home to be greeted by his fiancée with hugs and kisses and kind inquiries as to how his day was, he couldn't help but remember the minister and Sir Humphrey's words, and wondered what there was between them. And what he could do about it.

"Is something bothering you, Bernard dear?" asked the would-be Mrs. Woolley, frowning when her usual questions were not answered in kind.

The young man furrowed his brows and brushed a hand distractedly through dark, brown hair. "I think there's something very peculiar going on with my bosses." He mumbled, somewhat confused. "I can't say for certain, but I think… I think that they're…"

"They're what?" his fiancée pressed, her curiosity piqued. "Come on, Bernie, tell me! What's going on?"

And Bernard had lifted his head to her, blinked slowly, and stated: "I think they like each other"

For a moment, the young woman was stunned, mouth agape. Bernard half-feared that the story had shocked her into an illness, and found himself waving a hand over her face in concern. "Jane?" He pressed, urgently, and was relieved when she suddenly blinked back into life. "Oh, thank god, you're alright. I thought you were having a stroke, or something."

"Oh, don't be silly," she huffed, crossly, slapping him on the arm, though a giggle escaped her nonetheless. "I was just… surprised. It's that one with the knighthood, isn't it? Sir Humphrey Appleby? And the minister? What was his name? Jim Hacker?"

"Yes, that's the one." Bernard frowned. "I've felt it for weeks, but, well, today, it's almost being confirmed." He shrugged, and answered before she could ask: "The minister had a bit too much to drink, this time."

"Oh, I see," nodded Jane, understandingly, her hands massaging reassuringly into his shoulder. "Well, in any case, I think it's very cute."

"Cute?" repeated Bernard, astounded. "Mr. Hacker and Sir Humphrey? _Cute_?" That aspect of their relationship had never struck him before. "Gosh, Jane, you _are_ an odd girl. You don't know what they're like! They're always clinging on to each other's throats!"

"Yes, well, men like to tell each other who's boss, don't they?" said Jane, indifferently shrugging her shoulders. "I still think it's rather sweet that they might actually put aside their differences to pursue each other." She paused, reflectively. "You should help them, Bernard. Encourage them along. I don't know them very well, but judging by what you've told me, they're both very proud. They'll need your assistance."

"My assistance?" Bernard grimaced. "Hmm… That seems difficult. What could I possibly say to them to persuade them?"

Jane looked at him with some surprise then. "What, you're not against it?" She pressed a gentle kiss to his temple. "I thought, by your initial reaction, that you hated the idea!"

"Well…" Bernard allowed himself a small smirk. "I am the Minister's servant, and if Sir Humphrey is what the Minister wants, then Sir Humphrey will be what the Minister gets." His grin spread a little wider when Jane squealed and slapped his arm again. "You know, it's another one of those irregular verbs," he stated, excitedly. "I'm loyal to my minister, you answer to your minister's every need, and he's shagging his minister like there's no tomorrow!"

At this Jane squealed once more and told him, amidst badly stifled giggles, that he was 'very naughty', but the idea was planted in Bernard's mind, and he told himself firmly that he would get to it first thing the next day.

**TBC**

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><p><strong>AN: **The 'irregular verb' Bernard references here was actually picked up from a conversation I was having with the lovely **Tatiana Onegina**. All credit where it's due, it had me rolling around in laughter for ages.


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